1. A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, “Hey idiot, for every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer to, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.” The idiot says, “Okay.” The genius then asks, “How many continents are there in the world?” The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, “Now I ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?” The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?” The idiot hands over $5.
2. My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
3. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
4. Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
   Johnny: “Seven.”
   Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two, how many would you have?”
   Johnny: “Seven.”
   Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples, and another two, how many would you have?”
   Johnny: “Six.”
   Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two, how many would you have?”
   Johnny: “Seven!”
   Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
   Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
5. A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
   What’s brown and sticky? A Stick
   Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
6. A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”
7. Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesús is watching you.” He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesús is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesús is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.” Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesús.”
8. A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?
   The lawyer responds “I charge $1000 to answer 3 questions”
   “Bloody Hell – That’s a bit expensive, isn’t it?
   “Yes. What is your third question?”
9. Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
   Student: “A drinking problem.”
10. My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
11. Do you know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
    Because they are really good at it
12. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
    The taste.
13. What do cannon balls do when they are in love? Make bbs

15 Chuck Norris-isms

1. Once Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King and he got it.
2. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
3. Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest against a fish.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. TWICE
5. When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
6. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
7. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open
8. Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience
9. When Chuck Norris touches water he doesn’t get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris
10. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. It is not dead, it’s just afraid to move
11. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
12. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
13. When Chuck Norris walks into a room, he doesn’t turn a light on, he turns the dark off
14. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise
15. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

15 Health Tips to Love YOUR Body

1. Drink ½ your body weight in ounces of water. Add fresh fruit or mint if you like
2. Turn off all technology 2 hours before your go to bed
3. Move your body every day – even a 20-minute brisk walk does wonders
4. Only buy fresh food – anything in a box is normally full of preservatives, chemicals, and sugar
5. Get outside in the sun. Vitamin D does a body good
6. Reduce your sugar intake – sugar is addictive and wreaks havoc on your body in numerous ways
7. Increase your green veggie intake, it increases your pH and that is HUGE!
8. Get enough sleep! Aim for 8 hours
9. Laugh and have fun every day! Doctor’s orders
10. Eat fewer grains or eliminate them completely, they are an inflammatory food
11. Get your nervous system checked regularly by a doctor of Chiropractic. Your nervous system tells your entire body what to do – that is REALLY important!
12. Relax, meditate, and give yourself a break. Take time for yourself and your family. It will make you more productive during your GO times
13. Take time each day to breathe deeply and slowly
    Sit up straight – it is not a joke, when you slouch you scrunch your organs, cut off nerve supply, and put undue stress on your body
14. Do a nutritional cleanse 2x per year
15. For more explanation on any of these tips, call us at 259.0968

15 Amazing Quotes for YOU

1. “The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” Michelangelo
2. “Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.” Maya Angelou
3. “They laugh at me because I am different. I laugh at them because they are all the same.” Kurt Cobain
4. “Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.” Stephanie Bennet-Henry
5. “Don’t wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.” Zoey Sayward
6. “To live will be an awfully big adventure” Peter Pam
7. “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” Helen Keller
8. “If you can’t fly then run if you can’t run then walk if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” Martin Luther King Jr.
9. “To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.” Joseph Chilton Pearce
10. “Be decisive. Right or wrong make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.” Unknown
11. “Too many people undervalue what they are and overvalue what they are not” Malcolm Forbes
12. “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” Albert Einstein
13. “Either I will find a way, or I will make one.” Philip Sidney
14. “The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” Mark Twain
15. “Every New beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” Seneca